the BFF love bomb & breakup
'I need you' relationships, on feeling mean and judgmental but not wrong, and your escape options
There is a category of people that I place under the general umbrella term "empathetic". These would be folks that are good at feeling into people and situations, have been called good listeners, and are generally quick to acknowledge and point out the good in others.
These folks also tend to be attractive targets for a particular kind of relationship dynamic that I'll be referring to as "I need you" relationships.
The clearest example of this is in the love bombing, female BFF relationship. I’ll use it to highlight the experience of being in that "I need you" relationship and what happens when you try to navigate out of it.
I say try because once you reach the point of seeing this dynamic clearly, there's a unique period of confusion, of feeling stuck that can occur.
And it's a good thing.
Stage 1: OMG - you're amazing
You two go from zero to BFFs in record time.
She loves what you do, tells you how insightful you are, and showers you with adoration.
Soon, you two are texting each other throughout the day, going out dancing, traveling together, and developing a deeper emotional connection by the day.
She goes to you for advice, tells you how much she appreciates your friendship, and is there supporting your every endeavor.
It feels nice to have someone that appreciates you and is always there.
It's nice to be so loved, so needed.
Stage 2: I need you
She gets fired. She goes through a breakup. Her life is rocked.
Naturally, you're there to support your friend, to listen, to empathize, console, and hold space.
But her emotional spiral feels different. How she's coming to you starts to feel different.
No matter what you say or do, her spirals continue. And it's not just that they continue, it's that she continues to come to you to resolve them.
If you were to put words to that subtle emotional undercurrent, it might sound like "I need you. Please save me. Please don't leave me."
And it doesn't matter if it's this particular female friendship or any other relationship, you're gonna come across this dynamic everywhere.
It's the feeling of the person needing you, hoping you'll save them, hoping you'll relieve them of their every insecurity and emotional distress.
It will feel like they're a child, treading water in the pool, kicking and screaming in panic, grasping for you, desperately wanting to hold on to you, convinced that they’re going to drown, even though they could just put their feet down and stand.
Stage 3: the gut punch
If your annoyance and frustration with the "I need you" relationship gets high enough, you'll start to be able to see the relationship with clarity.
You'll see that once the appeal of being needed and adored wears off, there's not much remaining in the relationship for you.
You'll see how little you value the person's opinions and perspectives.
You'll notice that text messages like "Man, I had such a rough day" are thrown out just to elicit a response from you, to get attention.
You'll recognize that subtle emotional undercurrent, the one wanting to hook into you, hold on tight to you, hoping you'll make it all better for them.
And, if you're honest with yourself, you'll start to find it all repulsive.
But now what? It feels so wrong to be thinking these things.
I mean, what judgmental bitch would think such things about her friend?
What cold-hearted bastard would not want to be there to help a fellow human being in need?
:)
On being a “good person”
After the intensity of seeing through the relationship, of clocking the emotional manipulation, and acknowledging what you actually feel, there'll be a rubber banding effect.
You'll start feeling like you're being too judgmental, too mean.
You'll start wondering if it's bad that you're thinking and feeling these things.
If you talk to a therapist, they'll ask you to examine why you're so triggered by a friend asking for help, to explore what boundaries you may need to set in your relationships in order to feel safe.
If you look to mainstream culture, it'll tell you that friends sometimes annoy each other, and sometimes there'll be rough patches. Plus, what's the point of a friendship if you're not there for each other through the tough times?
Internally, it may feel as if a security alarm has gone off, alerting you that you've gone too far. You've now ventured into being too mean and too judgmental, into "bad person" territory.
Good people aren't like this.
And this is the crux of it.
What you saw and felt was accurate. But you're not going to be externally validated.
You will continue to oscillate between knowing the truth of what you saw and experienced — no matter how subtle — and doubting yourself, wondering if it's even real or if you're bad and wrong for thinking these things at all.
How can you trust that what you're seeing and knowing is actually true? That it's actually good?
How can you feel secure in it when you know you won't be externally validated, when it feels emotionally wrong?
Easy. You don't act on it and see what happens.
Your options
#1 It's not that bad
In the case of a friendship, you'll most likely choose to remain friends.
You'll be bitter and resentful, but at least there's no awkward confrontation.
You might pull away slightly. Wait an hour to respond to a text. Use less emojis. Reschedule and push back your next hang out.
"Things have just been really busy lately"
But you'll of course stay well below the threshold that would cause the friend to reach out wondering why you've been distant.
Regardless, there's no going back. You can't unsee what you now see in the person.
But, the only way to actually remain in the relationship is to either deny and ignore the disdain you now hold for them or develop a split persona so that nothing potentially "mean and judgmental" comes out in their presence.
It’s uncomfortable, but the benefit to this option is that you get to collect more data on how accurate your read on them is and whether it's worth acting on or not.
Plus, let's not forget — no messy confrontation.
Gotta love that.
#2 Back away reeeaaal slowly now
There's no going back to the way things were and it's getting too excruciating to try to pretend.
Maybe, just maybe, if I back away reeeaaal slow, they won't notice.
They will.
You'll get a "Hey, I feel like we haven't talked in a while. Everything ok?"
The only option from here is to give the "Yeah, sorry, things have just been really busy lately" response.
But that excuse has a limited usage before you get the "what's going on?" question again.
#3 the breakup
If the annoyance and frustration reaches a sufficiently high crescendo, you may even entertain a friend breakup.
You'll deliberate to no clear end, the breakup will be unbearably uncomfortable, and they'll still likely reach out to you after.
"I'm so sorry if I wronged you in some way, if I crossed your boundaries. Can we talk about it? I just want to understand how I could have done better. I promise I'll just be there to listen and understand. No matter what, know that I love you and that you'll always have a friend in me."
Ah, fuck.
Regardless of how you choose to handle these situations, you're still ahead of the game.
You can spot the subtle emotional manipulation that others can't.
But, moving forward, you'll be faced with a "now what do I do?" conundrum.
You'll see the manipulation, but others won't validate your knowing. You'll feel the manipulation, but you'll also feel uncertain about acting on it.
There will be a tension that comes from not knowing how much you can trust of what you're seeing. A discomfort from feeling somehow bad, despite knowing you're not wrong.
That's normal and it gets better.
Yes, it sucks donkey dick, but it does get better.
Great essay, Ben.
I decided to block her. Felt mean and I pondered a long time before acting, but I eventually realized that it was the simplest way to end the dynamic.